what to do when your fiance thinks you hate his kids just because you expect them to behave
Parents don't want to admit an ugly truth—that sometimes they don't like their kid. If yous feel this way and are scared, it'due south okay. Parenting is challenging and often emotional, especially when our kids are defiant, disrespectful, or not who we wanted them to be.
We all accept expectations for how our kids should grow and behave, and when these expectations aren't met, it can exist very painful. Maybe your kid isn't the person you thought they would be: mayhap they're non bookish or outgoing plenty, or perhaps they are negative and similar to complain.
Instead of feeling upset and guilty, there are ways yous can build a healthier human relationship with your child and similar who they are. Hither are some tips.
Admit Your Feelings
Don't push button your feelings away because you feel guilty or think information technology's wrong to dislike your child. You don't have to like the emotional truth—you simply need to own it. Change can't begin until you are honest with yourself well-nigh how yous feel. Ask yourself, "What am I feeling and why?"
It'due south of import to accept the fact that you lot won't always similar your kids—and they won't always like you.
Place the Crusade of Your Feelings
Find some time to retrieve near the root cause of your feelings. Are there external influences affecting your child's behavior, such as problems at school? Or is it more to do with your preconceived expectations?
Maybe you lot don't like your child because they're so unlike from you. Or mayhap you lot don't like your child considering they act out, are defiant and oppositional, and wreak havoc in your home. These are all understandable reasons to experience dislike towards your child. Why would you like someone who treats you poorly?
If this is the case, try to remember that it's the behavior you don't like, non the child. We can love our children and detest their behavior, simply sometimes the two get entangled.
If you wait closely, y'all may realize that disliking your child is more than about you than them—because it has to practice with your reaction to their beliefs.
Sometimes, equally parents, we are triggered by memories of our own childhood, causing feelings of inadequacy, fear, or anxiety. Nosotros then project those feelings onto our kids. For example, if you were heavily criticized equally a child for non having a stellar written report card, perhaps you are hard on your kid when they drop below an A average. Exist mindful of this, and don't let it control your parenting.
Be on the lookout for other factors that may be contributing to your feelings. For example, your kid may be defenseless between your difficulties with your co-parent. Perhaps your co-parent (or you lot) aren't holding your child accountable for their beliefs.
Manage Your Expectations
Take your child for who they are, and you tin motility toward a better human relationship. If your child is different than your expectations, then manage those expectations.
Call up, ultimately, the but person you can control is you lot. Acquire to notice the space between your child's activeness and your reaction. It is hither that you lot can acquire to exist a calm parent and stay emotionally split. No matter how your child acts, promise yourself you'll try to remain calm.
Get to Know Your Child Better
Make time to do something fun. Learn what your child's likes and dislikes and what makes them tick. Try to heed without judging—children are more than likely to react negatively when they feel scrutinized. Your child volition appreciate the risk to open up up and tell you how they're feeling.
Stay positive
Talk to your kids as if you lot similar them, even when saying 'no' or giving consequences. Don't scowl, and speak with a soft tone that gives them the bulletin yous care about them. Staying positive can exist hard, especially when you lot're frustrated and your child has been disrespectful.
Still, be as positive as y'all can when dealing with them because they pick upward on any negative feelings quickly and shortly internalize them—or insubordinate confronting them aggressively. And call back, the look on your face and the tone of your voice communicates more than your words practise.
Focus on what's right and brainstorm building on what is good. Don't obsess over the negative or effort to change who your kid is. You'll have a better relationship if you try to praise your kid and affirm skillful beliefs. Sometimes, as parents, we are too automatic with judgment. Make an effort to scout what you lot say. Remember: your child needs a coach, not a critic.
Finally, bring more playfulness and less seriousness to your interactions. Recognize that your kid may take a problem, but it's your interactions that have led to your feelings of dislike. Endeavor to take them for who they are and love them without worrying about them so much.
Commit to Not Criticizing
Hither'due south a play tricks that works for me. I get up in the morning time, and I say to myself, "Okay, not one criticism can come up out of my mouth today." I make information technology a very witting idea and activity. It's so automatic for some of united states of america to criticize, and half the time, we don't even know nosotros're doing it. And so make information technology a conscious effort.
Notice when your child does something well. Point out your child'south strengths and describe what you see. For instance, you can say:
"Yous looked like yous were well-nigh to scream at your brother, but I noticed how yous pulled yourself together and walked abroad. How did you practise that? That was impressive."
If yous tin can do this, information technology volition help both of you lot gain an appreciation for one another.
When There's a Personality Clash with Your Child
What if your personalities simply clash? Peradventure your child is not a friend you would have chosen. Peradventure you're too different or too similar. Problems start when you lot bear around a lot of thwarting about somebody and try to change them in some manner or another. That's when the negative wheel begins.
Keep in mind that your child is not your friend. Your role as a parent is unique, and you tin exist friendly without necessarily being a friend.
Understanding that you lot don't take to be your child's friend tin can aid y'all come to terms with who your child is–and accept them.
Conclusion
By taking responsibility for your emotions and making an attempt, you're showing your child that you want things to be ameliorate. Tell your child:
"I know we haven't ever gotten forth in the past considering I've been as well hard on you lot. I apologize and am working on it."
That attempt will go a long way with your child. Become at-home, take your child, and help them go the person they're meant to be.
Related Content:
"Am I a Bad Parent?" How to Let Become of Parenting Guilt
"I Feel Like a Failure as a Parent." How to Turn That Hopeless Feeling Effectually
Source: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/calm-parenting-what-to-do-when-you-dislike-your-child/
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